"Get Your Hands Off My Linebacker!"

The Bears emerged victorious from the courtroom earlier this week with a decisive off-the-field victory over the embittered 49ers. According to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, San Francisco illegally contacted Chicago linebacker Lance Briggs’ uber-agent, Drew Rosenhaus, during the 2007 season – a “blatant, outright, stupid, stupid, stupid violation of NFL anti-tampering policy,” he remarked. “We basically caught [San Francisco GM] Scot McCloughan with his hands in the proverbial cookie jar. If you know what I mean.” This attempt at humor left many witnesses baffled and appalled, especially when the commissioner followed it up with a series of erratic winks.

McCloughan defended his integrity after court adjourned. “I don’t get what the big deal is. All I did was send Drew a few texts, asking him, you know, if he wanted to hang out or possibly come over to my swinging pad to watch some MTV or something. Can’t a guy hang out with another guy in the beautiful city of San Francisco without getting hassled by the commissioner of the NFL?”

Reports indicate that McCloughan had been placing up to five calls a day to Rosenhaus’ cell phone. “He was calling nonstop, I couldn’t handle it,” said Rosenhaus. “I have one of those annoying polysymphonic ringtones of a current Top 40 rap hit, so it makes people edgy when my phone goes off a lot. And besides, I don’t want to waste my minutes talking to Scot. All he does is whine about his wife and swoon over Lance.”

In accordance with the league’s ruling, the Bears and 49ers will swap third-round choices in the upcoming draft. Chicago will now pick seventh in the round, moving up five spots from the twelfth position.

The incident was reported to the NFL by the Bears earlier this year and continues a trend of swift, firm, ass-kicking justice by Goodell. “Oh yeah,” he commented, “Pacman, Chris Henry, Michael Vick – no one gets away from me. You mess with the bull, you get the horns.” When asked for information regarding the suspiciously convenient destruction of the Patriots’ illegal tapes, Goodell simply replied, “What tapes?”

There is still no word from Chicago whether the higher draft choice will significantly alter the Bears’ plans. “I don’t think it should,” said Chicago GM Jerry Angelo when asked for comment. “Personally, I really like that we have two picks in the third. It’s way better than having two in the first, right? I mean, considering I always draft better in the middle rounds. Always.” The second pick referred to by Angelo was acquired in a draft-day trade last season with the San Diego Chargers.

“This is for that time in ’88 when they crushed our dreams in the playoffs,” concluded Bears president and CEO Ted Phillips. “I’ll teach those damn gold diggers to mess with my linebacker.”